हामीलाई थाहा छ कि हामी धेरै सेक्सका बारेमा सोच्ने गछौँ तरपनि यौनसम्बन्धि शिक्षाको सवालमा अझै पनि धेरै प्रकारका मिथलाई आधार बनाएर कुरा गर्ने गछौँ । एक्काईसौँ शताब्दि इन्टरनेटको जमानामा थुप्रै यौनसम्बन्धित जानकारीहरु पढ्न पाइन्छ तर पनि ती सबै जानकारीहरु सही हुन् या मिथ, छुट्याउन मुश्किल पर्छ । तपाईंको यौन जीवनलाई सजिलो गराउनका लागि यहाँ केहि सेक्स भ्रमहरु प्रस्तुत गरिएका छन् जसलाई तपाईंले हजार पटकभन्दा बढि सुनिसक्नुभएको हुनुपर्छ तर कुनै पनि पुष्टि भएका छैनन् ।

१.मुख मैथुनले गर्भवती बनाउँछ

संभवतः यो नै सबभन्दा ठूलो गलत मिथ हुनसक्छ । अहिलेको टीनएर्जले पनि यो कुरालाई विश्वास गर्छन् तर सत्य के हो भने मुख मैथुनले गर्भ बस्दैन कुनै महिलाले वीर्य नै निलेको अवस्थामा पनि यो सम्भव छैन ।

२. स्खलनपूर्व नै उसले निकालेको थियो त्यसैले म सुरक्षित छु

यो कुरा पनि सत्य होइन जब कुनै पुरुषको लिङ्ग सम्भोग गर्नको लागि तयार हुन्छ तब उसले तरल पदार्थ निकाल्न थाल्छ त्यसमा पनि सन्तान उत्पादन गर्ने वीर्य रहेको हुन्छ । यदि तपाईं बच्चा नजन्माउने सोचमा हुनुहुन्छ र असुरक्षित यौन सम्पर्क गरिरहनुभएको छ भने तपाईंले पिल्स खानु नै उपयुक्त हुन्छ ।

३. यो मेरो पहिलो पटक हो, म गर्भवती हुदिनँ

पुरानो सोच भएका गृहिणीहरु भन्ने गर्छन् कि कुनै पनि महिला पहिलो पटकको यौन सम्पर्कमा नै गर्भवती हुदिँनन् । सत्य कुरा के हो भने महिला कुनै पनि समयमा गर्भवती हुन सक्छिन् चाहे त्यो उसको पहिलो, दास्रो, तेस्रो पटक नै किन नहोस् । सुरक्षित हुन चाहनुहुन्छ भने कण्डमको प्रयोग गर्नुहोस् ।

४. उसको ठूलो खुट्टा छ त्यसैले उसको लिङ्गको आकार भन्नसक्छु

यो यौनको सबभन्दा पुरानो मिथ हो र यसको चर्चा अहिले पनि रहेको छ जुन सरासर गलत हो । उसको खुट्टा सानो अथवा ठूलो हुनुले उसको गोप्य अंगसँग कुनै सरोकार राख्दैन । सानो उचाइको मानिसको पनि ठूलो लिङ्ग हुनसक्छ ।

५. महिनावारीमा सम्पर्क राख्दा सुरक्षित भइन्छ

यदि तपाईंलाई तत्काल सन्तानको चाहना छैन भने यस्तो कुरामा विश्वास गर्न बन्द गर्नुहोस् । गर्भ रोक्न कुनै पनि तरिका अपनाउनु भएको छैन भने महिला महिनाभर जुनसुकै समयमा पनि गर्भवती हुन सक्छिन् । याद राख्नुहोस् वीर्य यौनसम्पर्क राखेको धेरै दिनसम्म पनि बाँच्ने भएका कारण महिनावारीमा गरिएको सम्पर्कले पनि तपाईं गर्भवती हुनसक्नुहुनेछ ।

६. कुमारित्व पातलो झिल्लिले निर्धारण गर्छ

यस्तो कुरामा विश्वास गर्नु सबभन्दा मूर्खता हो । कुमारित्व बहन गर्ने भनिएको झिल्लि कुनै पनि बेला टुट्न सक्छ यसको यौनसम्पर्कसँग कुनै सम्बन्ध छैन । यो झिल्लि बढि व्यायाम गर्नाले, साइकल चलाउँदा, घोड सवारीमा र पौडी खेल्नाले पनि टुट्न सक्छ ।

 के तपाई सोच्नुहुन्छ कि मेरो बेडरुम लाइफ सधैं सुखमय छ, त्यसो हो भने आफ्नो सेक्स्युअल ज्ञानलाई धन्यवाद दिनुस् । त्यसो होइन भने सेक्ससम्बन्धी यो सात सिक्रेटलाई ध्यानमा राख्नुस् । यहाँ तपाईका लागि ‘एस’ शब्दसँग जोडिएको सात तथ्य उल्लेख गर्दैछौ । जुन यसअघि तपाईले नसुनेका पनि हुन सक्छन्। यो तथ्यले तपाईलाई आफ्नो यौन जीवनका विषयमा सोच्न बाध्य पार्नेछ ।
१. आमरुपमा जोडीहरु एक वर्षमा १३९ पटक सेक्स गर्दछन् । तर, फ्रान्सेलीहरु यो मामिलामा निकै अगाडि देखिएका छ् । ड्युरेक्स ग्लोबल सेक्स सर्भे २००२ का अनुसार फ्रान्सेलीहरु एक वर्षमा १६७ पटक यौन आनन्द लिने गर्दछन्।
२. केही कण्डम बायोडीग्रेडेबल हुन्छन् । ल्याबस्किन र लेटेक्स कण्डम बायोडीग्रेडेबल हुन्छ तर पोलियुरिथेन होइन ।
३. सेक्स फिलिङलाई प्रबल बनाउनका लागि बजारमा सीडी पनि पाइने गर्दछ । आफ्नो यौन संसारलाई रोमाञ्चक बनाउनका लागि केही क्लासिकल उपायहरु अपनाउनुस् ।
४. डुस नगर्नुस्, डुशिङले हेल्थी ब्याक्टिेरियालाई यौनीबाट हटाउने गर्दछ । यो कार्यले रिप्रडक्भिव सिस्टममा इन्फेक्सन बनाउने गर्दछ ।
५. विश्वस गर्नुस्–ब्लु बाल्स रियलिटीका लागि हुन्छ । असुविधा त्यतिबेला उत्पन्न हुन्छ जब लिङ्गमा अधिक रक्त प्रवाह हुन्छ । अनियमित तरिकाबाट रक्तप्रवाहले यौन अंगमा रगतमा मात्रा बढाउने गर्दछ। जसबाट लिङ्ग त सिधा हुन्छ तर टेस्टिकल ब्लड भरिने गर्दछ ।
७. एउटा जोडीलाई गर्भधारणका लागि आठ महिना लाग्न सक्छ । तर, हुन सक्छ कि यो प्रतिक्षा निकै महंगो सावित हुनेछ । गर्भधारणअघि कम्तिमा एक वर्ष आफ्नो यौन जीवनका विषयमा ध्यान दिने आवश्यक छ। एजेन्सी

कतिपय धर्मले सेक्सको खुलापन, सेक्समाथि गरिने चर्चा र असामान्य सेक्सलाई अनुमति दिदैन । यो सबका बावजुद पनि सेक्सका राम्रा र नराम्रा पक्षलाई लिएर कयौ प्रकारका शोध भएका छन् । यो सबै शोध धर्मविपरीत पनि छ। यद्यपि सेक्समा जसरी महिला उत्साहपूर्वक सहभागी हुन थालेका छन् त्यही पुरुषको सेक्स स्वभावमा पनि परिवर्तन आउँदै गएको छ।
सेक्स र पुरुष स्वभाव
एउटा अध्ययनका अनुसार ओछ्यानमा महिला र पुरुष निकै फरकफरक मानसिकतामा हुन्छन्। पुरुषको शरीर यौन उत्तेजना महशुस गरेपछि त्यसको प्रतिक्रिया तत्काल दिने गर्दछ भने यस्तो प्रतिक्रिया कमै महिलामा हुने गर्दछ ।
शोधका अनुसार केही महिलाको शारीरिक गतिविधिहरुका बावजुद उत्तेजित हुँदैनन्। केही गतिविधिबिना पनि उत्तेजित हुन्छन् । जबकि पुरुष मानसिक र शारीरिक प्रतिक्रियामा समान रुपले उत्तेजित हुने गरेको पाइएको छ। यो शोधमा दुवैको यौन अङ्गमा रगतको बहाव मापन गरेर मानसिक प्रतिक्रियासँग तुलना गरिएको थियो ।
डेली मेलमा अनुसार अध्ययनका लागि शोधकर्ताहरुले सन् १९६९ देखि सन् २००७ का बीच २ हजार ५ सय महिला  १९ सय पुरुष सहभागी गराएका थिए।
३४ माथि यौन इच्छा बढी
पुरानो मान्यताअनुसार १६ वर्षको उमेर शारीरिक आकर्षणका साथै सेक्स आनन्द बढी हुने गर्दछ । तर, बेलायतमा गरिएको एउटा शोधका अनुसार ३४ वर्ष कटेपछि महिलाहरु स्वयमलाई बढी सेक्स ऊर्जा प्राप्त भएको महशुस गर्दछन्। अध्ययनका अनुसार सुखद यौन जीवनका लागि २८ देखि ३४ वर्षको समय निकै महत्वपूर्ण हुने गर्दछ । ३४ का महिलामा कामसुखको इच्छा निकै प्रवल हुने गर्दछ । यो योनीमा हुने पीडा र गर्भधारणको भयबाट मुक्त हुने समय भएकाले यौन इच्छा बढी हुने अध्ययनको ठहर छ।

सफल सेक्सको अवधि
मानिसहरु दावी गर्छन् कि मेरो सेक्स अवधि ३० देखि ४० मिनेटसम्म चल्छ । तर, यो दावी गर्नेहरुको भनाइमा सत्यता हुँदैन । अमेरिकाको पेन्सिलभेनियास्थित बेहरेन्ड कलेज इन एरीका शोधकर्ताहरुका अनुसार सामान्यतः ३ मिनेटको समय यौन आनन्दका लागि पर्याप्त हुन्छ । बढी समयको कुरा गर्ने हो भने ७ देखि १३ मिनेटको समय अधिक डिजायरेबल हुन्छ । तर, पूर्वीय संस्कृति, युनानी किस्सा वा स्टप–स्टार्ट प्रविधिलाई मान्ने हो भने ३० देखि ४० मिनेटको समय पनि सही हुन सक्छ ।
सेक्सको कारण
अमेरिकाको टेक्सास विश्वविद्यालयका शोधकर्ताहरुका अनुसार सेक्सका लागि प्रेरित गर्ने २३९ हुन्छन् । प्रेम प्रकट गर्न वा लगाव व्यक्त गर्न सुरुवाती १० कारणमध्ये एक हो । के त्यसो हो भने प्रेमको मूल पनि सेक्स नै हो ? शोधकर्ताहरुका अनुसार महिलाहरु कुनै महिला वा श्रीमानसँग बदला लिन पनि सेक्स गर्ने गर्दछन् । यसप्रकारको इच्छाले लिभ इन रिलेशनसीपजस्तो सम्बन्ध कायम हुने गर्दछ ।
तर, एउटा अर्को शोधका अनुसार सेक्सका कारण आँक्सिटाँसिन हर्मोन हो । यो हर्मोन्सले प्रेम र सेक्सलाई बढावा दिने गर्दछ । यसलाई ‘लभ’ हर्मोन्स पनि भन्ने गरिन्छ । तर, यो शोधले पनि विरोधाभाष नै बढाएको छ ।
सेक्स र मोटोपन
बेलायतका करिब ३ हजार जनामा गरिएको सर्वेका अनुसार १० मध्ये १ महिला मोटोपनको शिकार थिए । उनीहरुले स्वीकार गरे कि पछिल्लो सालभरमा उनीहरुले सेक्समा कुनै भूमिका निभाएका थिइनन् । उनीहरुको यौन जीवन निकै तनावपूर्ण थियो । सर्बेका अनुसार मोटी महिलाहरु बेडरुममा त्यति कन्फिडेन्ट पाइएनन् जति दुब्ला पातला महिला हुन्छन् । यसको मुख्य कारण मोटी महिलाहरु आफ्नो लुक्सका विषयमा कन्फिडेन्ट हुँदैनन् । उनीहरु हीन भावनाबाट ग्रस्त हुने गरेका हुन्छन् । एजेन्सी

 महिलाको व्यक्तित्व जान्ने इच्छा हरेक व्यक्तिमा हुने गर्दछ। आकृति विज्ञान एउटा यस्तो अध्ययन हो जुन शरीरको अंग तथा चालढालबाट व्यक्तित्वको परिचय दिने गर्दछ। यहाँ हामीले पनि आँखा र नाकको बनावटबाट कसरी महिलाको व्यक्तित्व जान्न सकिन्छ भन्ने विषय पस्केका छौ ।
आँखा
निकै चञ्चल, चमक तथा गहिरो पातलो र वरपर लालिमासहितकोआँखा, भाग्यशाली महिला हुनुको प्रतिक हो साथै यस्ता महिलाहरु समाजको नेतृत्व गर्ने प्रकारका हुन्छन् ।
छोटो, सुस्त, उदास स्लेटी रङ्ग, गोलो, केही मुडी, खाली र केही परेवाकोजस्तो आँआ भएका महिलाले कुरुपता प्रदर्शन गर्दछन् । यस्ता महिला चतुर हुन्छन् साथै उनीहरु जीवनमा अघि बढ्न चाहँदैनन् । रातो आँखा भएका महिलाहरु धोकेवाज र बेइमान हुन्छन् । यदि आँखा निकै लामो तथा हल्का लालिमायुक्त छ भने यस्ता महिला आवेशपूर्ण हुन्छन् भन्ने मान्न सकिन्छ । यस्ता आँखा भएका महिला समाजमा निकै लोकप्रीय हुन्छन् ।
गोलो वा कालो आँखा भएका महिलाहरु निकै सेक्सी हुन्छन् । सधैं निंदमा झै रहेने मदमस्त आँखा भएका महिला विपरीत लिङ्गीप्रति चाँचै आकर्षित हुन्छन् र चाँडै चरित्र त्याग गर्दछन् । नरम किनारा वा कालो पलवाला आँखा भएका महिला भाग्यशाली हुन्छन् । यदि आँखाको किनारमा हल्का रौं छ, आँखामा पँहेलोपन छ भने यस्ता महिला बढी विरामी हुन्छन् ।
नाक
यदि एउटी महिलाको नामक सुगाको जस्तो झुकेको छ भने उनी राम्रो स्वभाव, सम्पत्ति मन पराउने, चतुर तथा परिवारको हित चिताउने हुन्छन्। सामान्य लम्बाई तथा सिधा नाक भएका महिलाहरु सुन्दर, बुद्धिमान, मेहनती तथा मिजासिला प्रकारका हुन्छन् ।
छोटो नाक भएका महिलाहरु चलाख, चतर, शरारती वा कामातुर हुन्छन् । यदि कुनै महिलाको नाक बीचबाट फैलिएको छ वा अगाडिको भाग अधिक उच्च छ वा अधिक मोटो छ भने यस्ता महिला प्रेम, सहानुभूतिबाट बञ्चित हुन्छन् । यस्ता महिला दुष्ट प्रवृत्ति, चरित्रहीन वा निर्णय लिनमा हतार गर्ने प्रकारका हुन्छन् ।
यदि नाक बढी नै चौडा र मोटो छ भने यस्ता महिलाहरु आलसी, बलियो नेतृत्व, घमण्डी हुन्छन् । यदि नाकको टीप छोटो छ भने यस्ता महिला दासले झै जीवन बिताउने प्रकारका हुन्छन् ।
नाकको टिप लामो हुनु उनीहरुको कठोर स्वभावको प्रतिक हो । यदि टिप फैलिएकोछ भने श्रीमानको दीर्घायु हुनुको प्रतिक हो। नाकमा रौं भएका महिलाको स्थिति चतुर र अशुभव हुने गर्दछ।
नोटः यो आँकलन केवल स्वभाविक रुपमा भगवान प्रदत्त शारीरिक अंग वा चालढालमा आधारित छ। एजेन्सी

वीर्य स्खलन कसरी हुन्छ ?

यौन अनुसन्धानकर्ता मास्टर्स तथा जोनसनले मानव यौन प्रतिक्रिया चक्रलाई चारवटा चरणमा विभाजित गरेका छन्। पहिलो चरणलाई उत्तेजनाको चरण भनिन्छ भने त्यसपछिको चरणलाई एबितभबग एजबकभ भनिन्छ। तेस्रो चरण चरमसुख हो भने अन्तिम चरण सामान्य अवस्थामा र्फकने चरण हो। प्लाटो फेजमा भएको यौन कतimगबितष्यल  निरन्तर रूपमा बढाउँदै लान सकिए एउटा यस्तो बिन्दुमा पुगिन्छ जहाँ पुगेपछि व्यक्ति यौन तनावबाट मुक्त हुन्छ। यसको अवधि निकै छोटो हुने भए पनि मानव यौनजीवनमा यो चरणको विशेष महत्त्व छ, किनभने यतिबेला नै मानिसले प्राप्त गर्न सक्ने सुख वा आनन्दहरूमध्ये सर्वोत्कृष्ट सुखको अनुभव गर्छ। यसैलाई चरमसुख) को चरण भनिन्छ।  पुरुषहरूको हकमा भने यो चरमसुख पाउने कुरा दुई चरणमा पूरा हुन्छ। सुरुमा आन्तरिक अङ्गहरूको खुम्चने फुक्ने क्रम सुरु हुन्छ र वीर्यलाई मूत्रनलीमा धकेल्छ। यस्तो अवस्थामा पुगेपछि स्खलन रोकिन नसक्ने भएकाले उयष्लत या लय चभतगचल पुगेको भनिन्छ। त्यसपछि मूत्रनली, लिङ्ग तथा पौरुष ग्रन्थिको खुम्चने फुक्ने क्रम सुरु हुन्छ र वीर्य पनि गतिका साथ बाहिर निस्कन्छ। वीर्य लिङ्गको मूत्रद्वारबाट बाहिर निस्कनुलाई नै हामी वीर्य स्खलन भएको भन्छौं। त्यसपछि सामान्य अवस्थमा र्फकने चरणमा पुगिन्छ।

के थाहै नपाई वीर्य र्झछ ?

माथि भनिएको कुराले तपाईंलाई के स्पष्ट भएको हुनुपर्छ भने सामान्यतया वीर्य स्खलन व्यक्तिले थाहै नपाई हुने कुरा होइन। तपाईंले आफ्नो समस्या अझ स्पष्टसँग उल्लेख गरिदिनुभएको भए जवाफ दिन सजिलो हुने थियो। कहिलेकाहीं कतिपय व्यक्तिले शीघ्रपतनलाई पनि थाहै नपाई वीर्य झरेको मान्न सक्छन्। आफूले चाहेभन्दा चाँडो वीर्य स्खलन हुनु शीघ्रपतन हो। कतिपय स्थितिमा यौनसम्पर्क सुरु गर्नुभन्दा पहिले वा सुरु गर्नासाथ वीर्य स्खलन हुनसक्छ। यस्तो स्थितिलाई तपाईंले थाहै नपाई वीर्य स्खलन भएको मान्नुभएको हो कि विचार पुर्‍याउनुहोला। तपाईं हस्तमैथुन पनि गर्नुहुन्छ होला। हस्तमैथुन गर्दाको वीर्य स्खलन हुने बेलातिर तपाईंको अनुभव के-कस्तो हुन्छ, के तपाईंलाई अब वीर्य स्खलन हुने स्थितिमापुग्न लागियो भन्ने लाग्दैन ?  यो अनुभव व्यक्तिसँग यौनसम्पर्क गर्दाको भन्दा फरक छ कि छैन भन्ने पनि विचार गर्नुहोला।

अर्कातिर एउटा स्थिति छ जसमा व्यक्तिलाई थाहै नपाई वीर्य स्खलन हुन सक्छ। त्यो हो यौन सपना देखिएको बेलामा वीर्य स्खलन हुनु। निदाएको बेला लिङ्ग उत्तेजित हुने वा यौन क्रियाकलापमा संलग्न भएको सपना देखिन्छ। प्रायःजसो पहिलो पटक यो किशोरावस्थामा हुन्छ र त्यसले यौन विकास राम्रैसँग भएको संकेत गर्छ। यही क्रममा कतिपय व्यक्तिले यौन चरमसुख पनि पाउँछन्। यसरी निदाएको बेला सपनामा यौन क्रियाकलापमा संलग्न भएर वीर्य स्खलन हुनुलाई नै बोलीचालीको भाषामा स्वप्नदोष भनिन्छ।

वीर्य निकै समय लाग्छ, के गर्ने होला ?

चरमसुखपछि पुरुष तथा महिला दुवै सामान्य अवस्थामा फर्किने प्रक्रियामा जान्छन्, तर यसमा एउटा आधारभूत भिन्नता हुन्छ। चरमसुख पाइसकेपछि सामान्य अवस्थामा र्फकन लागेकी महिलालाई पुनः उत्तेजित गराई चरमसुखको स्थितिमा लान सकिन्छ, तर पुरुषलाई भने सकिँदैन, किनभने पुरुषहरू Refractory Period मा जान्छन्। यस अवधिमा पुरुषलाई जति नै तीव्र किसिमको यौन उत्तेजना दिए पनि उत्तेजित गराउन सकिँदैन। व्यक्तिअनुसार तथा एउटै व्यक्तिमा पनि विभिन्न समयमा यो अवधि फरक-फरक हुन सक्छ अर्थात्यो केही मिनेटदेखि कैयौं घण्टासम्मको। तपाईंले तुरुन्तै दोस्रो पटक यौनसम्पर्क गर्न नसकेको कारण यही हुनसक्छ। तपाईंले च्भाचबअतयचथ एभचष्यम पछि यौन क्रियाकलाप सुरु गर्नुभए यस किसिमको समस्या पर्दैन।
साप्ताहिकबाट

लिंगको संरचना

सन्तान उत्पादनका लागि महिलाको योनिमा वीर्य राख्नु नै लिङ्गको प्रमुख काम हो भने ‘यौन’ आनन्द दिनु अर्को काम। लिङ्ग सधैंजसो छोपिने अङ्ग भए पनि यसको बनावटका सम्बन्धमा निकै चासो हुन्छ। पुरुषको ‘व्यक्तित्व’, ‘पौरुषत्व’ वा पहिचान तथा आत्मसम्मानसँग जोडिएकाले अन्य अङ्गभन्दा लिङ्गको सांकेतिक महत्त्व बढी छ। सम्भवतः त्यसैले होला, कुनै पनि व्यक्ति उसको यौन तथा प्रजनन अङ्गको नाप तथा आकारप्रति सजग हुनु अस्वाभाविक होइन।

लिङ्ग मुख्यतयाः तीनवटा स्पन्जजस्तो संरचनाले बनेको हुन्छ। लिङ्गको माथितिर दुइटा Corpus Cavernosa भनिने तन्तु हुन्छ भने तलतिर ps Corpus Spongiosum भनिने तन्तु हुन्छ। लिङ्ग उत्तेजित हुँदा यिनै संरचनाहरूमा रगत भरिन्छन् र लिङ्ग मोटो एवं कडा हुन्छ। उत्तेजित नभएको बेला त लिङ्ग एक लचिलो अङ्गका रूपमा रहेको हुन्छ र बाङ्गोपनको खासै आभास हुँदैन भने उत्तेजित हुँदा मात्र बाङ्गोपन देखिन्छ।

बाङगो लिंग

उत्तेजित नहुँदा लिङ्ग लुलो हुने भएकाले यसको बाङ्गोपनका बारेमा खासै थाहा हुँदैन, तर यो उत्तेजित हुँदा स्पष्ट रूपमा देखिन्छ। तपाईंले लिङ्ग यौनसम्पर्कको बेला सीधा हुँदैन भन्नुभएको छ। कतिपयले लिङ्ग उत्तेजित नहुनुलाई पनि सिधा नभएको भन्न सक्छन्। यसरी लिङ्ग उत्तेजित नहुने आफ्नै कारण हुन्छन्। त्यसैलाई बाङ्गो भन्न खोज्नुभएको हो भन्ने मानेर जवाफ दिएका छौं। तपाईंले किन आफ्नो लिङ्ग बाङ्गो भएको मान्नुभयो भन्ने कुरा खुल्नु आवश्यक छ। तपाईंलाई थाहै हुनुपर्छ, उत्तेजित लिङ्ग एकदमै सोझो वा सीधा हुँदैन। शंका लागेको स्थितिमा चिकित्सकको परामर्श लिई बाङ्गो भए-नभएको पक्का गर्नु राम्रो हुन्छ।

व्यक्तिअनुसार लिङ्गको नाप र आकारमा पर्याप्त भिन्नता हुन्छ र यो लिङ्गको विकासको क्रममै हुने कुरा हो। हाम्रो शरीरको पनि दायाँ-बायाँ ठयाक्कै बराबर हुँदैन, केही फरक हुन्छ। शरीरको बीचमा पर्ने भए पनि शरीरको विकासको क्रममा त्यसको प्रभाव लिङ्गमा पनि देखिन्छ। सबै पुरुषको लिङ्गको आकार एकै किसिमको हुँदैन र उत्तेजित अवस्थामा एकदम सीधा नभै लिङ्ग आफैंमा केही मात्रामा टेढो -बाङ्गो) हुन्छ। यो सामान्य कुरा नै हो। कतिपयले लिङ्ग शरीरसँग टाँसिएको कोणको कुरालाई लिएर बाङ्गोपनको कुरा गर्छन्। कतिपयले लिङ्ग उत्तेजित हुँदा शरीरबाट सीधा बाहिर निस्किएको वा भुइँसँग समानान्तर (उभिएको अवस्थामा) हुनुपर्छ भन्ने सोच्छन्, तर कुरा त्यसो होईन। लिङ्ग उत्तेजित हुँदा केही छड्के भएको हुन सक्छ। लिङ्गको Corpus Cavernosa भनिने भाग जघनास्थीसम्म जोडिएको हुन्छ। यसले नै उत्तेजित लिङ्गको कोणलाई निर्धारित गर्छ। तपाईंले कोणका बारेमा कुरा गर्नुभएको हो भन्ने पनि लाग्दैन।

के लिंग सीधा नहुँदा यौनसन्तुष्टि दिन सकिँदैन ?

तपाईंले यौनसम्पर्कमा नै बाधा परेको छ कि छैन, लेख्नुभएको छैन। यस विषयमा केही पुरुषलाई निकै चिन्ता हुने भए पनि हल्का किसिमको लिङ्गको बाङ्गोपनले यौनसम्पर्कलाई कुनै किसिमको बाधा पुर्‍याउँदैन र यौनसुख लिन तथा दिन दुवै सकिन्छ। लिङ्ग थोरै मात्र छड्के र घुमेको स्थितिमा नकारात्मक असर पर्ने कुरा हुँदैन।

टेढोपन निकै नै छ भने समस्या गम्भीर हुनसक्छ, तर यस्तो स्थिति विरलै हुन्छ। मूत्रनलीको विकासमा गडबडी भएर पनि टेढोपन भएको स्थितिमा लिङ्ग तलतिर बाङ्गो हुन्छ। लिङ्ग निश्चित रूपमा बाङ्गो भएको अवस्थालाई chordee भनिन्छ। मूत्रद्वारको संक्रमण पनि बाङ्गोपनको कारण हुनसक्छ। Peyronie’s disease मा सामान्य लिङ्ग अकस्मात निकै बाङ्गो हुन गै यौनसम्पर्क गर्न नसक्ने हुन्छ र दुख्छ पनि। पक्का रूपमा कारण थाहा नभएको यो रोग अक्सर ४० वर्षभन्दा माथिका मानिसलाई लाग्छ। यस्ता गम्भीर समस्याहरूका लागि मात्र चिकित्सकको सहयोग आवश्यक पर्छ। सामान्यतः गम्भीर प्रकृतिको लिङ्गको बाङ्गोपनलाई शल्यक्रियाद्वारा नै सोझो बनाइन्छ, तर शल्यक्रियाका हानि पनि हुन सक्छन्। त्यसैले आफ्नो लिङ्गको बाङ्गोपनका सम्बन्धमा शंका छ भने शल्यचिकित्सकको परामर्श लिन सक्नुहुन्छ, तर आवश्यक नै नभै हल्का किसिमको बाङ्गोपनलाई सोझ्याउन खोज्दा फाइदाको सट्टा हानि नै बढी हुने सम्भावना पनि हुन्छ। त्यसैले यस्ता शल्यक्रियालाई मामुली मान्नु हुँदैन। तपाईंमा त्यस्तो कुनै पनि गम्भीर समस्या भएजस्तो बुझिँदैन।

के गर्ने ?

गम्भीर रूपमा लिङ्ग बाङ्गो नहुँदा यौन तथा प्रजनन क्षमतामा कुनै असर पर्दैन, त्यसैले अनावश्यक रूपमा यस्तो संवेदनशील अङ्गमा विचारै नगरी त्यस्तो उपचार गर्नु बुद्धिमानी नहुन सक्छ। समस्या गम्भीर नहुँदा आफ्नो लिङ्ग सोझ्याउनेतिर लाग्नुभन्दा पहिले महिलाले कसरी यौनआनन्द पाउँछन् भन्ने कुरा बुझ्नतर्फ लाग्नु बुद्धिमानी हुन्छ। अधिकांश महिलाले भगांकुरको प्रत्यक्ष वा अप्रत्यक्ष घर्षणबाट यौनसुख प्राप्त गर्छन्। तपाईंलाई थाहै होला, भगांकुर बाहिर नै हुन्छ र यसको घर्षणका लागि लिङ्ग नै चाहिन्छ भन्ने हुँदैन। इकान्तिपुरबाट

 घरपरिवारवाट टाढा हुँदा व्यक्तिले यौनेच्छा शान्त पार्न अनेक उपाय गर्छन् । यौनेच्छा शान्त पार्न नै देहव्यापारी महिलासँग सम्पर्क गर्दा एचआईभीलगायत अनेक यौनरोग लागेर देश र्फकनु परेका घटना पनि छन् । कमाउन गएको पैसा उतै रमाइलोमा सकेर आउनेहरू पनि छन् । हस्तमैथुनलाई यौनेच्छा शान्त पार्ने उपाय बनाउछ, जुन कतिपय कारणले निकै राम्रो मान्नुपर्छ । यसले अन्य अनावश्यक रूपमा खर्च हुने पैसा र समय त बचाउँछ नै, गोपनीयता पनि भङ्ग हुन दिँदैन । अन्य कुनै व्यक्तिसँग सम्पर्क नहुने भएकाले एचआईभी वा अन्य कुनै यौनरोग लाग्ने कुरा पनि भएन । हस्तमैथुन आफैंले गर्ने भएकाले यसमा अनेक यौन परिकल्पना जोड्न सकिन्छ, जसले थप यौनआनन्द दिन सक्छ । हस्तमैथुन कति पटकसम्म गर्नुहुन्छ ? सजिलो भाषामा भन्नुपर्दा शरीरले मागेअनुसार । त्यसैले यस विषयमा अनावश्यक चिन्ता लिनुपर्ने कारण छैन । एक सामान्य व्यक्तिले शरीरले मागेभन्दा बढी हस्तमैथुन गर्न सम्भव हुँदैन । हस्तमैथुन गरेर यौनेच्छा शान्त भएको स्थितिमा व्यक्तिले हस्तमैथुन नै गर्दैन । हस्तमैथुन एउटा स्वाभाविक प्रक्रिया हो । लिंगको घर्षणका कारणले नै यौन उत्तेजना बढ्दै पछि गएर चरमसुखको स्थितिसम्म पुगिन्छ । योनिसँगको होस् वा तपाईंको हात, लिंगलाई खास फरक पर्दैन । त्यसैकारण यस विषयमा अनावश्यक चिन्ता नलिए हुन्छ ।

Here are my 10 commandments for first-time sex, whether it’s your first time ever or just with a new guy. While I can’t guarantee you a religious experience, if you follow my lead I can promise you a sexual experience that will be all the more satisfying.

1. Safety first. There’s no such thing as totally safe sex, but you sure can be safer. Make sure he’s wearing a condom (even if you’re on the Pill) and talk about your respective sexual histories. I know it may sound like a buzz-kill, but heterosexual women have a higher risk of contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection) than men, so it’s up to you to take a proactive interest in your sexual health.

2. Don’t have too-high expectations. Sex generally improves as you get to know someone and become more comfortable with each other’s bodies. So don’t feel pressured to make it the best night ever, because this is just the first of many.

3. Breathe. First-time sex can be tense and nerve-wracking, not to mention painful sometimes. Taking long, deep breaths can help you relax and let go.

4. Don’t forget to enjoy foreplay. All the stuff that leads up to intercourse — kissing, touching, oral sex — is part of the sexual experience; it’s not just about penetration.

5. Make sure you’re amply aroused before intercourse. Not only do you want to be genuinely turned on, you want to be sufficiently lubricated. If you’re too dry, he’ll have trouble entering you, you’ll feel discomfort, and the friction can cause the condom to rip. So, keep water–based lube on hand just in case.

6. Speak up. Let him know what feels good, and what doesn’t. Guys crave feedback, so don’t be shy about clueing him in.

7. Don’t assume he’s the expert. He may be getting a lot of his information about sex from porn and the tall tales of his buddies in the locker room. And, even if he is experienced, every sexual encounter is unique. He’s just as worried about pleasing you as you are about getting him off.

8. Don’t expect to have an orgasm. Of course, it’s great if you do. But, most women don’t climax the first few times with a new guy. Orgasms come with a sense of comfort and specific knowledge of each other’s bodies, and that takes time.

9. Don’t fake it. If you do, you’ll only be cheating yourself. Letting him know you came close and want to get there with him will keep him motivated.

10. His penis may malfunction. Guys get anxious too. Premature ejaculation and erectile difficulty are common the first time a man sleeps with someone. If he has a problem, don’t make a big deal out of it or worry that there’s something wrong with you or your connection. More than likely, it will work itself out.

 दुनियाका कुनै कुनै देशमा निकै विचित्र तथा कठोर कानून हुन्छन् । कतिपय त अमानवीय नै हुन्छन् । मध्य अमेरिकी देश एल साल्भाडोरमा पनि एउटा यस्तै कठोर कानून रहेछ । त्यस देशमा गर्भ खेर गएमा महिलालाई जेल हालिन्छ । महिलाको गर्भ जुनसुकै कारणले खेर गएको भएपनि महिलाले जानीबुझी आफैले गर्भ तुहाएको आरोप लगाएर महिलालाई जेल सजायँ सुनाइने रहेछ । गर्भ तुहिएका महिलालाई भ्रुणहत्याको अभियोग लाग्ने गरेको छ ।

यस्तो अन्यायपूर्ण कानूनको सिकार धेरै महिला भएका छन् । समाचार अनुसार गएको अक्टोबर ३० तारेखमा एक १९ वर्षीया किशोरीले योनीबाट रक्तश्राव भएपछि अस्पतालमा जँचाउन जाँदा चिकित्सकहरुले उनको गर्भ खेर गएको जानकारी दिए । त्यसपछि उनलाई जन्मिनका लागि तयार भैसकेको भ्रुण तुहाएको अभियोग लगाएर मुद्दा दायर गरियो । बिचरा ती किशोरीको गर्भ आफै खेर गएको थियो र उनले अस्पतालमा धेरै दिन उपचार गराउनु पर्यो । तर उनीमाथि भ्रुणहत्याको आरोप लाग्यो र अदालतले उनलाई १० वर्षको सजाय सुनायो । उनले जानीजानी गर्भ तुहाएको फैसला अदालतले गरेको छ ।

स्मरण रहोस् एल साल्भाडोरका अलावा निकारागुवा, चिली, होन्डुरस तथा डोमिनिकन गणतन्त्र यस्ता पाँच देश हुन जहाँ गर्भपात सख्त रुपमा बनदेज छ र गर्भपात गर्ने महिलालाई कडा सजाय हुने गरेको छ । अधिकारकर्मीहरुले भने यस्तो कानूनले महिलाको प्रजनन अधिकारको हनन गरेको भन्दै कानून संसोध गर्न माग गरेका छन् ।

Times have never been better for single women. Long gone are the days when we needed a man to pay the bills and protect us, and our social status was dependent on our spouse. Despite the recent return of Bridget Jones, there are single people of all ages out there going about their business and enjoying themselves, and the word spinster has pretty much been outlawed. And yet, says Zoe Strimpel, who is organising a discussion on the topic at this year's Cambridge Festival of Ideas, being unattached and over 30 remains a source of anxiety for many. Concerns range from mass hysteria over biological clocks through to fear of coping alone in old age, via unhelpful stereotypes of cat ladies and cougars. "Sometimes it's hard to know how to be a neutral single woman," says Strimpel. Joining her in discussion will be relationship counsellor Susan Quilliam, psychologist Cecilia d'Felice and authority on sexual matters, Rowan Pelling. Here is a preview of key tips from the event, entitled How to be a Single Woman in 2013, Whether You're 25 or 60, along with some thoughts from happily single women.

Age 20-30

Don't feel obliged to regale your coupled-up friends with wild tales from dating's front line. There's an immense pressure to be showily "single and loving it", says Strimpel, whose book The Man Diet was published last year. "I have heard some distressing sexual things women have reluctantly done in the name of fun," she adds, "such as going home with unfriendly randoms only to be secretly appalled by their callous and unattractive behaviour, the porn pop ups carelessly left flashing on their laptop." People expect that their single friends will want to talk about men, whether it's about sex, or deconstructing their behaviour per se, "but the more you talk about something, the more entrenched in your mind it becomes," breeding unhealthy obsessions, says Strimpel.

Engage in lofty activities. When you've been burning the candle in search of romance, only to find yourself exhausted and so very tired of bad sex, try staying in to read War and Peace instead. That's what Strimpel did, and it helped her gain some perspective. "I felt so smug," she says, "I couldn't believe that I had bothered with these losers when I was now too busy contemplating the battle of Borodino in 1812."

30-40

Don't feel like a failure; seize the opportunity to find yourself instead. "When you're in a relationship it's very hard to see yourself clearly because you're constantly in response to your partner," says d'Felice. Whereas when you're single, you can take stock, learn from your mistakes and work out what you want for the future. "Particularly for women who have been conditioned to be givers rather than takers," she adds, it's an opportunity to put ourselves first. "This is not an act of selfishness," she says. "It's a very important act of selfhood."

Contentment is key. Tina Andrews, who has been single for a decade, points out that there are happy and unhappy people in and out of relationships. "For me it's about being content and, hopefully, that takes you on the right path. I see more pain and misery from women who think they should be in a relationship, who put themselves out there to be knocked back, and lose a sense of themselves. I think: you've wasted 10 years trying to find a man while I've enjoyed myself."

Avoid women's magazines. Patti Burton, a charity manager who has been single for more than 20 years, cites her disinterest in glossy articles "aimed at people who are part of couples", as one of the reasons she has never felt any stigma about her relationship status.

40-50

Don't be afraid of 40. Andrews felt in the run-up that her options were falling away, but then realised: "I actually don't care. I don't have the urge to have a family, and I don't see 40 as the end of that anyway. As we grow up, our expectations of certain ages change. It's the Friends generation turning into the Sex and the City generation, moving into the Golden Girls. Life continues at all these ages."
Internet dating Internet dating has brought new opportunities for single women. Photograph: Brian Jackson/Alamy

Give thanks that you're among the last generations who didn't learn about sex from internet porn. "You know sex is a fun, amateur sport, and that's a great blessing," says Pelling.

Single mums can have fun, too. "Of my friends who wanted to be older mums," says Pelling, "more of them had children than not, despite everyone saying their chances were about 2%." And those who went for it on their own with sperm-donor dads are still dating. "The biggest change is internet dating, so you don't have to join the amateur dramatics society and the tennis club any more to meet people."

50-60

Women do not become invisible in middle age. Says Pelling: "some of the most attractive, lusted-after women I know are in their 50s. It's up to you whether you think it's time to withdraw." You do, however, have to be robust in the face of those who want to knock women down. "But it's not as if we're dressing to attract people of 28. … Why should we have to not be a sexual person just because we're on the wrong side of 45?"

Don't be hemmed in by cliches. You can't stop people using labels, such as cougar, says Pelling. "Culturally, we're much worse than, say, the French about older people having sex. Everyone in France expects glamorous 60-year-olds will be, but we're sort of still coping with the idea. There are a load of unpleasant terms out there but it'll get you nowhere having any anxiety about those."

60 plus

Don't take the decreasing numbers of men personally. "Be realistic," says Quilliam, "and face the fact that there are fewer men than there once were and you'll probably live longer than most of them."

Enjoy not having to pick up anyone's pants any more. When her marriage ended, Burton (now 65) assumed she'd eventually have another live-in relationship but what has largely been on offer is "lonely men who need looking after. I've got three children and six grandchildren – I do not need a middle-aged man to look after".

Use a condom. Along with the increasing sexual activity in 50- to 90-year-olds (80% are sexually active), figures published in the British Medical Journal last year showed that STDS in this age group have doubled in a decade.

All ages
Be positive, says Quilliam, "if for no other reason than bitterness is not a good look – to attract a partner, for your friends to hang round and, most importantly, for you." Don't spend the rest of your life saying "... the bastard's robbed me". Do whatever it takes to move on: counselling, talking to friends, rethinking your life.

Be self-determining. It's very easy to be passive, says Quilliam. If you want a partner, try internet dating, or taking other active steps to find one. And if you want to stay single, or have a string of casual affairs, go for it. You now have the freedom.

Connect in a way that's right for you. Burton gets all the human warmth she needs from her family. Or gather friends around you, says Quilliam: "You can get most of what you want from people other than a partner."

Finally, Quilliam quotes the words that poet Seamus Heaney texted to his wife last month when he was on the brink of death and she was facing widowhood: "nolle timere" (don't be afraid). "The key thing about being single is don't be frightened. In today's world as a woman, you have huge status, you can manage on your own, you can chose to build your own life."

I just had sex every day for a year, and I didn't tell you about it.
But I did video tape it, so check it out -> here!
Just kidding.

I wasn't even sure I was going to go into it, but here we are. *pats the empty space on the couch*

It was the email that never made the emails, mostly because it was the kind of truth that stung a little too much.Well, shit.

The fact is, I am horrible at intimacy. I come from a family of non-huggers and I sometimes hate my body, so yeah, recipe for Temple Grandin hug machine. My husband is gorgeous and very, very sexy, but the issues we were having in the sack were all me. I could not shut my insecurity off, and sex quickly became a really anxiety-inducing experience that went one of two ways.

1. I avoided it, because it was hot and stressful hiding my body under two comforters and a snowsuit in the dark and instead ran a diversion play. I have cramps. I have too many deadlines. Gigi is too scared to sleep alone let's bring her in the bed with us. Yeah, I used a 4-year-old as the most adorable cock-block ever. You can't be in sex mode after reading three Fancy Nancy books, you just can't.

2. I tried to explain to him why I was self conscious, and then he asked why him telling me how pretty I was wasn't enough for me to get over it, and I felt like a horrible, horrible asshole.

So after a lot of crying and shrimp curry, I came up with the plan to have sex every day for a year, barring any medical problems or logistical issues, and he seemed to be pretty okay with it. I wish it could say it was a profound decision, but the truth is, I was getting worried he was losing interest because I acted uninterested out of insecurity, and he was getting nervous about me saying things like, how awesome do separate bedrooms sound!?

(Spoiler alert: I still vote separate bedrooms, but he's a snorer and sleep chewer who is vehemently against the color mint and my need for body pillows.)

We figured if we focused on intimacy, eventually it'd rekindle all the things we spent sevenish post-birth years back burner'ing out of sheer exhaustion and raging insecurity. This is the same way I got over my fear of eating oysters and driving in the snow. You just make yourself do it until you don't notice it feels like mucus or like you don't know how to control a motor vehicle. You make yourself do it until it becomes a place of comfort and safety. You make yourself do it until suddenly, you love it.

Now I can't speak for Andy, except to say he had a really good time, but for me, a year of sex became less about getting my sex on, and more about getting my brain to stop being an asshole when I took all my clothes off.

It started off pretty rough. I felt like I was always preparing for sex; Whore's Bath & Sink Shaving Badge #5: UNLOCKED. It got to the end of the day, and as I hunched over the sink washing my face, praying for cold sheets and sleep, I'd realize I still had the whole love-making thing to do, and it was like, awesome, another daily chore.

But then it stopped being a chore, and became the moment of the day where I was most at peace. Where I could have an actual conversation with my husband and know he was listening to me and not secretly watching television or elbow deep in Lego assembly.

I told a few friends, and they reacted pretty much the same way, oh I could never do that. And I totally get it, but I actually learned a lot about myself between the sheets.

It's not you, it's me. Stop being weird about it.

So I disliked my stomach. My thighs. How I looked laying flat on my back. A myriad of irrational things, really, and I'd have the same conversation with Andy about it, telling him I'm self conscious and I just don't feel sexy, and then he'd spend 10 minutes telling me how gorgeous I am, and then another 30 minutes pouting and being hurt that it wasn't enough to make me change my mind. So on top of feeling insecure, I felt like a jerk. That needed to stop. I needed to explain to him that him seeing me that way is great, but unless I saw it too, it didn't count. I mean, at least if he expected me to be an active participant and not just a hole laying on the mattress. It took a lot of talking to make him realize that me not feeling sexy was not an attack on him, and him being hurt about it only made me feel worse. I wanted to enjoy sex, too. And the key for me being able to enjoy it is feeling confident and gorgeous, and that was a me journey, not a him journey, though having a cheerleader on the sidelines was a plus.

We quickly learned, confident Brittany sex is way better.

Pretty panties make me happy.

It's no secret that I love fashion and playing dress up, but I found that when I was at home in mom/wife/muggle/couch mode, I was opting for ease. And that's fine. Seriously, I am not some bitch here telling you to wear heels to the grocery store or pants to school pick up when you aren't even getting out of the car and it's a total waste of clean pants. But one day I was getting dressed for an outside wedding shower in 90 degree heat, and decided to forgo shapewear for regular underwear, when I realized the only underwear I owned was either ratty maternity underwear or cheap 99 cent briefs I grabbed at the end of a Walmart aisle to get me through my period week. No wonder I didn't feel sexy, I had the undergarments of an incontinent nursing home patient.

So I went to Cacique and stocked up on 5 for $25 panties. Some were plain and some were lacy, and when I wore them they looked so pretty across my hips. I'd even find myself walking from my closet to the bathroom wearing them, a stark contract to the primal run I did covered in a towel with my spanx shoved into a ball of clothes in my hands when I thought Andy wasn't paying attention.

I went back to buy more underwear, and even some cute lingerie that I tried on in the store and sent photos of to Andy at work. Needless to say, he was excited, but it was more than that. The effort I put into wearing the cute panties, even if they were under a pair of jeans or sweat shorts, made me feel insanely gorgeous, and my brain needed that.

I am my own sex advocate.

I like being on my knees and I'm not an inside climaxer, I'm an outside climaxer. I do like oral sex, but I don't like having my nipples touched, because they are numb. I also hate having breath on my neck because I am extremely ticklish, and then I get goosebumps and my leg hair grows in too fast. Please stop doing that.

All that? I had to work on being okay saying all that out loud, and get over the idea that I was being a selfish, demanding nympho. I deserve good sex as much as he does, and instead of waiting around for him to figure it out, which is totally unfair to guys by the way, I had to find my voice and use it.

Coincidentally, it was a major turn on. Who knew?

Now what, nympho?

We're not hell-bent on doing it every day anymore, but we definitely make more of an effort, and it helped us be a lot more open with each other. I mean, if you have "ball shaving" as a monthly google calendar alert, it's safe to say you're comfortable talking about almost anything.

Japanese man and woman lean away from each other
Arm’s length: 45% of Japanese women aged 16-24 are ‘not interested in or despise sexual contact’. More than a quarter of men feel the same way. Photograph: Eric Rechsteiner

Ai Aoyama is a sex and relationship counsellor who works out of her narrow three-storey home on a Tokyo back street. Her first name means "love" in Japanese, and is a keepsake from her earlier days as a professional dominatrix. Back then, about 15 years ago, she was Queen Ai, or Queen Love, and she did "all the usual things" like tying people up and dripping hot wax on their nipples. Her work today, she says, is far more challenging. Aoyama, 52, is trying to cure what Japan's media calls sekkusu shinai shokogun, or "celibacy syndrome".

Japan's under-40s appear to be losing interest in conventional relationships. Millions aren't even dating, and increasing numbers can't be bothered with sex. For their government, "celibacy syndrome" is part of a looming national catastrophe. Japan already has one of the world's lowest birth rates. Its population of 126 million, which has been shrinking for the past decade, is projected to plunge a further one-third by 2060. Aoyama believes the country is experiencing "a flight from human intimacy" – and it's partly the government's fault.

The sign outside her building says "Clinic". She greets me in yoga pants and fluffy animal slippers, cradling a Pekingese dog whom she introduces as Marilyn Monroe. In her business pamphlet, she offers up the gloriously random confidence that she visited North Korea in the 1990s and squeezed the testicles of a top army general. It doesn't say whether she was invited there specifically for that purpose, but the message to her clients is clear: she doesn't judge.

Inside, she takes me upstairs to her "relaxation room" – a bedroom with no furniture except a double futon. "It will be quiet in here," she says. Aoyama's first task with most of her clients is encouraging them "to stop apologising for their own physical existence".

The number of single people has reached a record high. A survey in 2011 found that 61% of unmarried men and 49% of women aged 18-34 were not in any kind of romantic relationship, a rise of almost 10% from five years earlier. Another study found that a third of people under 30 had never dated at all. (There are no figures for same-sex relationships.) Although there has long been a pragmatic separation of love and sex in Japan – a country mostly free of religious morals – sex fares no better. A survey earlier this year by the Japan Family Planning Association (JFPA) found that 45% of women aged 16-24 "were not interested in or despised sexual contact". More than a quarter of men felt the same way.
Sex counsellor Ai Aoyama with a client and her dog Learning to love: sex counsellor Ai Aoyama, with one of her clients and her dog Marilyn. Photograph: Eric Rechsteiner/Panos Picture

Many people who seek her out, says Aoyama, are deeply confused. "Some want a partner, some prefer being single, but few relate to normal love and marriage." However, the pressure to conform to Japan's anachronistic family model of salaryman husband and stay-at-home wife remains. "People don't know where to turn. They're coming to me because they think that, by wanting something different, there's something wrong with them."

Official alarmism doesn't help. Fewer babies were born here in 2012 than any year on record. (This was also the year, as the number of elderly people shoots up, that adult incontinence pants outsold baby nappies in Japan for the first time.) Kunio Kitamura, head of the JFPA, claims the demographic crisis is so serious that Japan "might eventually perish into extinction".

Japan's under-40s won't go forth and multiply out of duty, as postwar generations did. The country is undergoing major social transition after 20 years of economic stagnation. It is also battling against the effects on its already nuclear-destruction-scarred psyche of 2011's earthquake, tsunami and radioactive meltdown. There is no going back. "Both men and women say to me they don't see the point of love. They don't believe it can lead anywhere," says Aoyama. "Relationships have become too hard."

Marriage has become a minefield of unattractive choices. Japanese men have become less career-driven, and less solvent, as lifetime job security has waned. Japanese women have become more independent and ambitious. Yet conservative attitudes in the home and workplace persist. Japan's punishing corporate world makes it almost impossible for women to combine a career and family, while children are unaffordable unless both parents work. Cohabiting or unmarried parenthood is still unusual, dogged by bureaucratic disapproval.

Aoyama says the sexes, especially in Japan's giant cities, are "spiralling away from each other". Lacking long-term shared goals, many are turning to what she terms "Pot Noodle love" – easy or instant gratification, in the form of casual sex, short-term trysts and the usual technological suspects: online porn, virtual-reality "girlfriends", anime cartoons. Or else they're opting out altogether and replacing love and sex with other urban pastimes.

Some of Aoyama's clients are among the small minority who have taken social withdrawal to a pathological extreme. They are recovering hikikomori ("shut-ins" or recluses) taking the first steps to rejoining the outside world, otaku (geeks), and long-term parasaito shingurus (parasite singles) who have reached their mid-30s without managing to move out of home. (Of the estimated 13 million unmarried people in Japan who currently live with their parents, around three million are over the age of 35.) "A few people can't relate to the opposite sex physically or in any other way. They flinch if I touch them," she says. "Most are men, but I'm starting to see more women."
Young women shopping in Tokyo No sex in the city: (from left) friends Emi Kuwahata, 23, and Eri Asada, 22, shopping in Tokyo. Photograph: Eric Rechsteiner/Panos Pictures

Aoyama cites one man in his early 30s, a virgin, who can't get sexually aroused unless he watches female robots on a game similar to Power Rangers. "I use therapies, such as yoga and hypnosis, to relax him and help him to understand the way that real human bodies work." Sometimes, for an extra fee, she gets naked with her male clients – "strictly no intercourse" – to physically guide them around the female form. Keen to see her nation thrive, she likens her role in these cases to that of the Edo period courtesans, or oiran, who used to initiate samurai sons into the art of erotic pleasure.

Aversion to marriage and intimacy in modern life is not unique to Japan. Nor is growing preoccupation with digital technology. But what endless Japanese committees have failed to grasp when they stew over the country's procreation-shy youth is that, thanks to official shortsightedness, the decision to stay single often makes perfect sense. This is true for both sexes, but it's especially true for women. "Marriage is a woman's grave," goes an old Japanese saying that refers to wives being ignored in favour of mistresses. For Japanese women today, marriage is the grave of their hard-won careers.

I meet Eri Tomita, 32, over Saturday morning coffee in the smart Tokyo district of Ebisu. Tomita has a job she loves in the human resources department of a French-owned bank. A fluent French speaker with two university degrees, she avoids romantic attachments so she can focus on work. "A boyfriend proposed to me three years ago. I turned him down when I realised I cared more about my job. After that, I lost interest in dating. It became awkward when the question of the future came up."

Tomita says a woman's chances of promotion in Japan stop dead as soon as she marries. "The bosses assume you will get pregnant." Once a woman does have a child, she adds, the long, inflexible hours become unmanageable. "You have to resign. You end up being a housewife with no independent income. It's not an option for women like me."

Around 70% of Japanese women leave their jobs after their first child. The World Economic Forum consistently ranks Japan as one of the world's worst nations for gender equality at work. Social attitudes don't help. Married working women are sometimes demonised as oniyome, or "devil wives". In a telling Japanese ballet production of Bizet's Carmen a few years ago, Carmen was portrayed as a career woman who stole company secrets to get ahead and then framed her lowly security-guard lover José. Her end was not pretty.

Prime minister Shinzo Abe recently trumpeted long-overdue plans to increase female economic participation by improving conditions and daycare, but Tomita says things would have to improve "dramatically" to compel her to become a working wife and mother. "I have a great life. I go out with my girl friends – career women like me – to French and Italian restaurants. I buy stylish clothes and go on nice holidays. I love my independence."

Tomita sometimes has one-night stands with men she meets in bars, but she says sex is not a priority, either. "I often get asked out by married men in the office who want an affair. They assume I'm desperate because I'm single." She grimaces, then shrugs. "Mendokusai."

Mendokusai translates loosely as "Too troublesome" or "I can't be bothered". It's the word I hear both sexes use most often when they talk about their relationship phobia. Romantic commitment seems to represent burden and drudgery, from the exorbitant costs of buying property in Japan to the uncertain expectations of a spouse and in-laws. And the centuries-old belief that the purpose of marriage is to produce children endures. Japan's Institute of Population and Social Security reports an astonishing 90% of young women believe that staying single is "preferable to what they imagine marriage to be like".
Eri Tomita, 32, office worker in Tokyo 'I often get asked out by married men in the office who want an affair as I am single. But I can’t be bothered': Eri Tomita, 32. Photograph: Eric Rechsteiner/Panos Pictures

The sense of crushing obligation affects men just as much. Satoru Kishino, 31, belongs to a large tribe of men under 40 who are engaging in a kind of passive rebellion against traditional Japanese masculinity. Amid the recession and unsteady wages, men like Kishino feel that the pressure on them to be breadwinning economic warriors for a wife and family is unrealistic. They are rejecting the pursuit of both career and romantic success.

"It's too troublesome," says Kishino, when I ask why he's not interested in having a girlfriend. "I don't earn a huge salary to go on dates and I don't want the responsibility of a woman hoping it might lead to marriage." Japan's media, which has a name for every social kink, refers to men like Kishino as "herbivores" or soshoku danshi (literally, "grass-eating men"). Kishino says he doesn't mind the label because it's become so commonplace. He defines it as "a heterosexual man for whom relationships and sex are unimportant".

The phenomenon emerged a few years ago with the airing of a Japanese manga-turned-TV show. The lead character in Otomen ("Girly Men") was a tall martial arts champion, the king of tough-guy cool. Secretly, he loved baking cakes, collecting "pink sparkly things" and knitting clothes for his stuffed animals. To the tooth-sucking horror of Japan's corporate elders, the show struck a powerful chord with the generation they spawned.
Satoru Kishino, 31 ‘I find women attractive but I’ve learned to live without sex. Emotional entanglements are too complicated’: Satoru Kishino, 31. Photograph: Eric Rechsteiner/Panos Pictures

Kishino, who works at a fashion accessories company as a designer and manager, doesn't knit. But he does like cooking and cycling, and platonic friendships. "I find some of my female friends attractive but I've learned to live without sex. Emotional entanglements are too complicated," he says. "I can't be bothered."

Romantic apathy aside, Kishino, like Tomita, says he enjoys his active single life. Ironically, the salaryman system that produced such segregated marital roles – wives inside the home, husbands at work for 20 hours a day – also created an ideal environment for solo living. Japan's cities are full of conveniences made for one, from stand-up noodle bars to capsule hotels to the ubiquitous konbini (convenience stores), with their shelves of individually wrapped rice balls and disposable underwear. These things originally evolved for salarymen on the go, but there are now female-only cafés, hotel floors and even the odd apartment block. And Japan's cities are extraordinarily crime-free.

Some experts believe the flight from marriage is not merely a rejection of outdated norms and gender roles. It could be a long-term state of affairs. "Remaining single was once the ultimate personal failure," says Tomomi Yamaguchi, a Japanese-born assistant professor of anthropology at Montana State University in America. "But more people are finding they prefer it." Being single by choice is becoming, she believes, "a new reality".

Is Japan providing a glimpse of all our futures? Many of the shifts there are occurring in other advanced nations, too. Across urban Asia, Europe and America, people are marrying later or not at all, birth rates are falling, single-occupant households are on the rise and, in countries where economic recession is worst, young people are living at home. But demographer Nicholas Eberstadt argues that a distinctive set of factors is accelerating these trends in Japan. These factors include the lack of a religious authority that ordains marriage and family, the country's precarious earthquake-prone ecology that engenders feelings of futility, and the high cost of living and raising children.

"Gradually but relentlessly, Japan is evolving into a type of society whose contours and workings have only been contemplated in science fiction," Eberstadt wrote last year. With a vast army of older people and an ever-dwindling younger generation, Japan may become a "pioneer people" where individuals who never marry exist in significant numbers, he said.

Japan's 20-somethings are the age group to watch. Most are still too young to have concrete future plans, but projections for them are already laid out. According to the government's population institute, women in their early 20s today have a one-in-four chance of never marrying. Their chances of remaining childless are even higher: almost 40%.

They don't seem concerned. Emi Kuwahata, 23, and her friend, Eri Asada, 22, meet me in the shopping district of Shibuya. The café they choose is beneath an art gallery near the train station, wedged in an alley between pachinko pinball parlours and adult video shops. Kuwahata, a fashion graduate, is in a casual relationship with a man 13 years her senior. "We meet once a week to go clubbing," she says. "I don't have time for a regular boyfriend. I'm trying to become a fashion designer." Asada, who studied economics, has no interest in love. "I gave up dating three years ago. I don't miss boyfriends or sex. I don't even like holding hands."

Asada insists nothing happened to put her off physical contact. She just doesn't want a relationship and casual sex is not a good option, she says, because "girls can't have flings without being judged". Although Japan is sexually permissive, the current fantasy ideal for women under 25 is impossibly cute and virginal. Double standards abound.

In the Japan Family Planning Association's 2013 study on sex among young people, there was far more data on men than women. I asked the association's head, Kunio Kitamura, why. "Sexual drive comes from males," said the man who advises the government. "Females do not experience the same levels of desire."

Over iced tea served by skinny-jeaned boys with meticulously tousled hair, Asada and Kuwahata say they share the usual singleton passions of clothes, music and shopping, and have hectic social lives. But, smart phones in hand, they also admit they spend far more time communicating with their friends via online social networks than seeing them in the flesh. Asada adds she's spent "the past two years" obsessed with a virtual game that lets her act as a manager of a sweet shop.

Japanese-American author Roland Kelts, who writes about Japan's youth, says it's inevitable that the future of Japanese relationships will be largely technology driven. "Japan has developed incredibly sophisticated virtual worlds and online communication systems. Its smart phone apps are the world's most imaginative." Kelts says the need to escape into private, virtual worlds in Japan stems from the fact that it's an overcrowded nation with limited physical space. But he also believes the rest of the world is not far behind.

Getting back to basics, former dominatrix Ai Aoyama – Queen Love – is determined to educate her clients on the value of "skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart" intimacy. She accepts that technology will shape the future, but says society must ensure it doesn't take over. "It's not healthy that people are becoming so physically disconnected from each other," she says. "Sex with another person is a human need that produces feel-good hormones and helps people to function better in their daily lives."

Aoyama says she sees daily that people crave human warmth, even if they don't want the hassle of marriage or a long-term relationship. She berates the government for "making it hard for single people to live however they want" and for "whipping up fear about the falling birth rate". Whipping up fear in people, she says, doesn't help anyone. And that's from a woman who knows a bit about whipping.

Jokes:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.